Mommy Needs An Orgasm

It’s been one of those days. Your mind is in a million places: Pick up the laundry, finish that report, take (insert child’s name here) to the orthodontist, deal with that half wit at work all day. There’s a run in your hose (does anyone still wear hose? It sounded good anyway), your stomach is growling and there’s nothing in the pantry to make for dinner (looks like pancakes again). If you hear the the word Mom, Mommy or Mama one more time your head might explode into a million pieces. Your shoulders are tight, your head is throbbing and you’ve yawned your way through multiplication drills with your third grader for homework all evening.

You know what you need, right? You need an orgasm!

Tuck the kiddies in bed, leave the laundry for tomorrow and turn the lights down low. You could even light a candle. What the hell? Live a little!

Whether it’s alone or with someone you want to roll around on the bed with, an orgasm can produce many remedies for what ails you. Check out a few of the reasons why tonight you need to climax!

Sleep: I don’t know a mom or wife that gets enough sleep. I don’t know anyone that gets enough sleep for that matter. All of my friends and I talk about our lack of sleep. We’re up early for kids and work and down late after trying to finish everything we cram into our days. Once you do finally get in bed your brain starts immediately running through all the things that you have to do when your feet hit the floor in the morning.
An orgasm releases endorphins upon climax that act as a bit of a tranquilizer. We’ve all heard about “those guys” that have sex and roll right over and go to sleep. Perhaps the poor fellas are just sleep deprived! Let the warm tranquil haze overtake you after sex or masturbation and drift right on off to sleeeeeeeepppppp.

Weight loss: Did you know that each time you get it on, you can burn up to 85 calories or more during 30 minutes of sex? Forty-two half hour sessions will burn 3,570 calories. That equals more than enough to burn off a pound! Spend an hour in the sack instead of 30 minutes and you’ve dropped that pound in 21 orgasm inducing routines. Now, like I said above, I yawned my way through the multiplication drills, so I won’t get into hard math here. My point is, 85 calories equals about half of one of those pancakes you had for dinner and that can’t be bad when I can roll over and go to sleep right after!

Pain Management: Throbbing head? Menstrual cramps? Pain in the ass at work? Those age old excuses for not having sex or masturbating are actually contradictory to what an orgasm can do for your aches and pain. The same endorphins that help you fall asleep also release phenylethylamine (a natural compound in the body that has morphine like properties) that can increase your pain tolerance by 70%. This is the “burst” of “OH WOW WHAT WAS THAT?” feeling you get during climax. I don’t think it lasts as long as a Tylenol, so thats when you need to take advantage of the sleep portion of that release before the aches and pain kick back in. I’m pretty sure it won’t help with that pain in the ass at work though. Sorry, no cure for those, they are everywhere I’m afraid.

Live Longer: In a study at Stanford University that started in 1921, a psychologist named Lewis Terman recruited 1,500 elementary school students to be part of a study that lasted for 80 years. He followed his subjects through adulthood and at his death in 1956 other scientists picked up where he left off. In 1990 two psychologists finished up the research and published a book called “The Longevity Project.” It was a study of how and why some people lived longer than others. Someone mailed me an article about this study. There were so many interesting facts that I do recommend reading the whole study. The one that stuck out to me right off the bat was this one:

The records show that the women who most often reached climax most often lived longer.
What else is there to say. Orgasms give you more bang for your buck! Live long and prosper my friends!

Article originally posted in Angel’s Examiner column.

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