I is told ya that you can always tell a lady by the way she eats in front of folks like a bird and I ain’t aimin’ for you to go to Mr. Wilkes and eat like a field hand and gobble like a hog!
Mammy, aka Hattie McDaniel, Gone With The Wind 1939
I decided to go to spin class this morning. Little did I know that it was DISCO SPIN. They really get into the theme too. The lights are turned off, the big disco ball overhead is twirling and they have big fans blowing so hard that you have to hang on to your bike to keep from falling off. The best part of DISCO SPIN is the music. They started out the class with some all time favorite disco numbers. Gloria Gaynor’s I Will Survive, Lipps Inc’s Funky Town, Donna Summers’ Last Dance, Chic’s Le Freak, and the hits kept coming. There was even Neil Diamond’s Sweet Caroline. I’m not sure that’s disco, but I sang right along anyway. Good times never felt so good!
So, as we are spinning along I started to have some serious déjà vu! Lights are low, wind in my hair; the disco ball is illuminating the room and I am back at the skating rink boogie oogie ooging in my superfly speed skates circa early 1980’s. I bet you are wondering what the hell any of this has to do with food, right? Well, come along with me here. You are skating off the slick rink floor and you break onto the carpet. What is the first thing you see when you come off? The concession stand, of course! Those huge jars of giant pickles, the nacho cheese machine and the rotisserie with the warm little sticks of sunshine they call Churros! So as I’m spinning at eight o’clock in the morning and I’m totally thinking about Churros! I fondly remember the days of being able to stuff all that garbage in my mouth and not worrying about a single morsel sticking to my butt or gut. Now though, it sticks. Boy oh boy, does it ever stick. So there were no Churros waiting for me when I got home, only egg whites and sensible turkey bacon. Sometimes I shake it up and have turkey jerky instead. All this got me thinking about my diet over the last couple of years. Sexy comes with some sacrifice. And that sacrifice is usually in the form of FOOD! I thought it might be fun to do a little recap of some of the diets I’ve tried to maintain the sexy.
First out of the gate has to be THE ATKINS DIET. I believe Mr. Atkins started it all for me. A fantastic plan of protein and no carbs sounds wonderful to start. All the Slim Jims, steak, chicken, cheese and eggs you can eat. And lets not forget that awesome way of testing to see if the diet was doing its job. Ketosis and the Ketone Strips. Now that I think about it, that actually sounds like a disco band. I ran around with those strips in my purse, going to the bathroom every time I ingested yet another butter-slathered steak and three cubes of cheese washed down by a Diet Dr. Pepper. Was it to the dark aubergine purple section of the stick yet? Damn, it was usually only periwinkle purple. This diet lasted a couple of months until I finally got tired of my mouth tasting like an old wet sock. Ketosis does a number on your breath. Coming up with different ways to put mayonnaise on a pickle can be tricky. Thank God I gave up, because poor Mr. Atkins died of, what was it again? Oh yeah! HEART DISEASE!
So onward I moved to the next diet plan that was sure to keep me svelte and sexy. Well, actually I didn’t move onward right away. I had pasta with butter and creamed potatoes at every meal for about two weeks! My God, carbs are good! But I knew that the heavy stuff would never be an every-meal occurrence, so I went for the lighter version of the Atkins Diet, The South Beach Diet. Everything is mapped out for you, and it’s a progression of no carbs to “good” carbs. South Beach has lots of recipes to follow and scheduled meals while keeping up with your GI units! Ummm, yeah. I didn’t make it to week two before I was back to the noodles and butter again.
Then there were the quick and easy fixes. The Cayenne pepper drinks before every meal to help me cleanse. That concoction was so disgusting that I didn’t want to eat the meal afterward. I just wanted to lie down. I don’t know what was worse, that cayenne pepper mix or the “shakes” they make you drink before a barium enema! That is another topic for another time, for sure! That liquid wonder lasted all of about two days. Then there was the cabbage soup diet. You mix a huge batch of cabbage soup — cabbage boiled in water with a little salt — and have nothing but that for the first two days. You eat cabbage soup twice a day followed by a sensible meal at the end of the day. The entire cabbage soup intake was from the same initial batch of soup that you just kept dipping into. So let’s examine why that might pose a problem after a while. Cabbage is a leafy green. Leafy greens are known to cause gas in the intestinal tract, especially when they’ve been stewing in your refrigerator for a week. Are you following me here? I was constantly moving from one spot to another at a quick pace and turning around to act like I had no idea where that smell was coming from! That diet lasted a week. I actually thought about investing in Beano during that period!
I finally got tired of the diets and decided to move on to sexy in a pill. I tried Ripped Fuel with Ephedra, which was all the rage until they banned Ephedra. I felt like I was literally going to jump out of my skin. Couple that pill with some coffee and I would jump at you like a spider monkey for saying good morning! Then it was on to Trimspa minus the Ephedra. I was so pumped with high doses of caffeine that I would only jump at you like a spider cricket. A smaller jump, perhaps, but it still scared everyone in my path
What I finally realized was that there is no magic formula to diet. What works is constant starvation and endless hours of the elliptical machine! Oh, I’m just kidding about starving, but not the elliptical machine of torture! In all seriousness, put down the Churros and pick up the fruits and vegetables. Eat meats in moderation and stay away from all those yummy things you used to eat after hours of skating and making out in the corner!
If you are having a hard time losing weight there are doctors and clinics that can help you achieve your goals. My friends at Schilling Women’s Center have helped me and many of my friends hit our weight goals. A diet plan done by a professional is very motivational. They can also counsel you on weight management after you have lost the pounds you want to lose.
This weeks episode of Real Women/Real Sexy is about the journey our very own Katie Bowers (the show’s hair stylist) has taken with Dr. Schilling to lose weight. We are also going to watch as Dr. Schilling prepares Katie for Smart Lipo! You have to wait to see that in next week’s episode. We went into the surgery room and filmed Katie going through the procedure.
OK! All this talk about food has made me hungry! I think I’ll go take a big deep breath and have a cube of cheese. Damn, that’s a meal!
Ahhhhhh, FREAK OUT, le Freak, c’est chic